The honesty required to explain how deeply terrifying the prospect of exploring a relationship is, nearly got Devin killed the last time it arose. The Fool means him no harm; he's not going to be tortured for speaking his mind. But Bobby had stolen his ability to judge his own feelings and shattered whatever trust in intimacy that she'd built up in him. Even a smaller wound, a more mundane one, would strike at that part of him again. He doesn't believe he has the strength to endure it a second time.
"It's not about wishing, Fool," Devin grinds out, somewhere between fear and frustration, and suddenly finds he can't bear the careful stillness. He's on his feet and pacing out into the surf, heedless of the sand and water getting into his shoes. He just needs to move, though he doesn't go far at all. "It's about not even knowing if I can. For Christ's sake, I killed my entire family when I was eleven. What kind of person--!" His voice cracks and he puts a hand over his mouth with his eyes tightly closed.
Devin's chest rises and falls heavily as he tries to get himself under control. Genocidal mass murderers should not be allowed happiness. This as much as anything else is behind Devin's refusal to get close to people, but his outburst should at least make it clear that he wants to.
"I am broken pieces pretending to be whole," he says, quiet and rough. The sun starts to peek over the horizon, blindingly bright on the water. It forces him to look away, and his gaze returns to the Fool. "And you deserve so much better than a disaster."
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"It's not about wishing, Fool," Devin grinds out, somewhere between fear and frustration, and suddenly finds he can't bear the careful stillness. He's on his feet and pacing out into the surf, heedless of the sand and water getting into his shoes. He just needs to move, though he doesn't go far at all. "It's about not even knowing if I can. For Christ's sake, I killed my entire family when I was eleven. What kind of person--!" His voice cracks and he puts a hand over his mouth with his eyes tightly closed.
Devin's chest rises and falls heavily as he tries to get himself under control. Genocidal mass murderers should not be allowed happiness. This as much as anything else is behind Devin's refusal to get close to people, but his outburst should at least make it clear that he wants to.
"I am broken pieces pretending to be whole," he says, quiet and rough. The sun starts to peek over the horizon, blindingly bright on the water. It forces him to look away, and his gaze returns to the Fool. "And you deserve so much better than a disaster."