Is he happy? Devin hasn't actually asked himself that question, mostly because he still doesn't think someone with his track record deserves it (though several people are working on changing that opinion, in different ways). He does feel... lighter with his new partner. More at ease than he's been in a long time. And he does smile more, when they're together. Maybe Devin just has to redefine what happiness feels like for himself.
He sighs and straightens, uncertainty plain on his face. Devin can tell she's trying with how serious she's being; isn't this what he always told her he would respond to? "I didn't think you would judge," he tells her, quiet. "And I'm not angry with you." Devin grimaces faintly. She's not going to understand his reasons for secrecy without knowing more information.
He turns away again. "This is only the second time I've had a partner in my entire life." It's strange to say it out loud to someone else. "The first taught me what it's like to have someone pour their energy into having faith in you, into caring for you and giving you a glimmer of hope that maybe you can have a better life and be the person they see in you - and for all of it, every second, to be a lie."
There is steel in Devin's eyes when he meets her gaze. "She took a great deal of pleasure in keeping me awake while she cracked open my chest. That's what happened the last time I thought I was happy, Aly. That's my only experience to work off of and I barely know what I'm doing, so maybe you can consider giving me some slack about selfishly keeping this to myself," Devin concludes, more defensively than he means to sound.
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He sighs and straightens, uncertainty plain on his face. Devin can tell she's trying with how serious she's being; isn't this what he always told her he would respond to? "I didn't think you would judge," he tells her, quiet. "And I'm not angry with you." Devin grimaces faintly. She's not going to understand his reasons for secrecy without knowing more information.
He turns away again. "This is only the second time I've had a partner in my entire life." It's strange to say it out loud to someone else. "The first taught me what it's like to have someone pour their energy into having faith in you, into caring for you and giving you a glimmer of hope that maybe you can have a better life and be the person they see in you - and for all of it, every second, to be a lie."
There is steel in Devin's eyes when he meets her gaze. "She took a great deal of pleasure in keeping me awake while she cracked open my chest. That's what happened the last time I thought I was happy, Aly. That's my only experience to work off of and I barely know what I'm doing, so maybe you can consider giving me some slack about selfishly keeping this to myself," Devin concludes, more defensively than he means to sound.