Because Darling, I’m a Nightmare

[redlightgreenlight]

Characters: Valdis and Some Open
Date: April 2584
Location: Aifaran
Situation: Various
Warnings/Rating: In headers


The Dreaming never seemed to be on her side. Between getting caught in the Fool’s memories and the blatant disregard it had for her own memories, she was very glad when March ended. The rains and flooding weren’t much fun, but she had plenty of opportunities to move forward in this ridiculous world. Valdis didn’t hate it here, quite the contrary in fact, but she still struggled with the adjustment. At least she wasn’t alone, that helped quite a bit, now she just had to find a way to make herself useful. Idleness had never helped her before, so best to face everything head on and do the best she could, even if she hated taking orders instead of giving them.

Comments

[redlightgreenlight]

"I'm a member of the Verdant Sentry," Valdis replies, though she sounds less than enthusiastic, "You know, the people who put thieves and muggers in prison."

Perhaps the last is a bit harsh, and she instantly regrets adding it, it's definitely not fair of her. Not everyone is a warrior forged in fire. She has to be strong and unyielding, but not every does.

"I'm sorry we haven't caught yours yet," she adds, trying to apologize for everything in a single sentence. New subject, she needs a new subject. "The animals are...almost lifelike."

[afoolsgold]

Like a door slamming shut, the Fool's expression grows predictably cool and closed off at those words. The evidence of the beating he took in the alleyway is still present on his features; the bruises have faded, but the cut above his eyebrow is going to leave a scar that will be present for years.

He doesn't respond to her apology immediately, instead taking a sip from his tea. It's easier to allow the subject to change as Valdis wills it. "Yes," he agrees at last, tone still mild... though perhaps not friendly. He looks down at one of his hands, which sports a soft leather glove, and gives his fingers an idle flex. "I suppose I have a peculiar knack for the art."

A moment later and he looks up at Valdis. His brows draw together into a slight frown; he must ask. "What you saw in my memories... Have you spoken to anyone else about it?" Beyond Devin.

[redlightgreenlight]

Even without the coolness of the Fool's expression, the chill that accompanies his words is evident in the aura she picks up through her empathy. It takes some effort to not roll her eyes, as if his approval, or anyone of these newcomer's approval matters to her at all.

"Those memories aren't mine," Valdis replies, turning her gaze to her cat as he continues to eat his stolen fish. "Why would I speak of them to anyone? I don't generally tell things that aren't mine to tell."

Truth be told, she isn't interested in discussing them anyway, they are a trauma for the Fool and she doesn't have enough context to judge him, no matter how disgusted she had been at the time. At least she realizes that her disgust is more a reflection on her life than who the Fool is.

[afoolsgold]

"I am glad to hear it," the Fool replies, though little about his expression looks genuinely glad about anything, much less about how this conversation is going.

He sets his tea down and folds his hands neatly in his lap. "As for why you might speak of what you saw to someone else, how am I to know what you would or would not choose to share? You and I hardly know each other, and yet you have seen a part of my past I would not willingly disclose even to the closest companions of my heart." A pause as he considers her, his expression as difficult to read as the tumult of emotions roiling behind his calm mask; fear and anger, violation, concern for Valdis over what she experienced through him--they all vie for dominance. "I am a Fool," he allows, a knowing quirk at the corners of his mouth, "but I am not naive."

[redlightgreenlight]

Valdis listens, mostly to be polite, though he has plenty to stand on. She's less affected by what she saw now than she had been immediately after.

"I never considered you naive, and while I don't know you either," Valdis replies, "I do know trauma, and I know death. Both are experiences that I wouldn't wish others to know about. So I will say nothing of your memories, not even to Devin."

The mixture of emotions isn't a surprise, but while she can't know the direction of the concern, it's not hard to guess.

"Don't worry yourself with me," she continues, "I have lived among wolves, and wolves do not allow sheep to live."

Anani licks his lips, and, leaving the fish half eaten, turns to leap up on the table and investigate the Fool's tea.

[afoolsgold]

Briefly, the Fool shifts his attention back to his reflection in his teacup. That she won't speak of what she saw to Devin brings him some comfort, though it disquiets him for different reasons to mull over just why it would upset him for his new friend to see him in his memories that way. Already, he had seen how it all would end for the Fool in Aslevjal; his mind's projection of his dead body against the wall would not leave him anytime soon.

"...I have lived among wolves, and wolves do not allow sheep to live."

At those words he looks up, and there's an odd smile quirking up the corners of his lips now. "An interesting choice of words," he remarks and touches his chin with his gloved fingertips. "I lived among them myself, after a fashion. Perhaps," he adds, "you simply haven't met many kind wolves."

Pack, Nighteyes had called them together.

[redlightgreenlight]

Valdis catches different emotions now, funny how complex the Fool was, and how quickly he moves from feeling to feeling, never lingering on one for too long, almost picking and choosing which ones to hold. Only the wise, and the insane, could do such things, though she doubts the Fool was in the latter category.

She leans back against the pillar, eyes drifting upward to look at nothing, recalling memories of the pack. Memories of hunting, of killing, of always knowing, until all that had been cut away by a holy blade. In the light of that, even the angels were a breed of wolf.

"My world has never been kind," Valdis replies, "Of the four races, only one holds safety. Yet I have seen the worst of their kind, and if they knew what I was, they would turn as well." She sighs, still staring at the awning, "I learned long ago that weakness cannot be in my nature."

[afoolsgold]

There are many in the Six Duchies who might argue that the Fool has always been a bit out of his mind. (He likely wouldn't argue.)

He listens to her in considering silence without losing the inscrutable Mona Lisa-esque curl at the corners of his mouth, even as his gaze drops to settle on the tabletop; he seems to be gazing through the wood without seeing it, his thoughts gone vague, distant. "What is weakness to you?" he asks her at last, lifting his eyes again. "The way you speak of it, I'm left to think that any display of softness is something to be reviled."

[redlightgreenlight]

"Not reviled," Valdis corrects as Anani jumps back down to resume eating his fish, "It's just more...foreign than anything else. Not having a soul for two thousand years tends to make such things difficult." She sighs, reaching out to stroke Anani, who begins to purr through his fish. "I'm afraid I cannot answer your question in a way you will understand. But I will try."

"You see, there is nothing wrong with things that people often ascribe to softness. Things like kindness, love, compassion and affection...I haven't considered them to be a weakness in a long time. Yet tears, showing pain, giving up on life, even just asking for aid...revealing such flaws was once akin to a death sentence."

[afoolsgold]

The only outward indication that her words have affected the Fool is his slight intake of breath, which he holds--like he holds the sudden, roiling mass of feeling in his gut, which is equal parts outrage and anguish and an almost wolf-like instinct to lash out. He reins in the latter, but that does not stop him from standing up from the table.

(He does so carefully and not abruptly; he doesn't want to spook the cat.)

"It is not a flaw," he says measuredly, "to die for the sake of others. To die to keep a world from ending. My apologies," he adds in a colder voice that shakes, but not from fear, "that I am not made of stone."

He leaves a few rhinn on the table as a tip and reaches for his coat, evidently intending to leave.

[redlightgreenlight]

Valdis tipped her head, eyes narrowing slightly, then she rose, holding up a hand, "No, please stay," she said, "This is your sanctuary, not mine."

She scooped up Anani, who mewed mournfully as he didn't grab his fish quickly enough. "When you are willing to listen to the whole story and not just pick out the parts that justify your anger, then perhaps we may speak again. Until then, I have no desire to enrage you further."

She inclined her head, and then carried her cat back down the street, leaving the biased man behind. Next time Devin, or anyone, asked for her help, they would receive a negative, it was time to focus on herself.