Control has defined so much of Devin's life, has been instrumental to his survival, and this place has too often stolen control from him. Whether by inches or miles, the loss of agency has left it's mark on many people here. Splendid and terrible, indeed.
Despite his horror at what X will learn, Devin listens. Some part of him is desperate to not have to hide; he is built to be with people, no matter how much he denies it.
But X does not deserve to bear his burdens. If-- when, Devin reminds himself forcefully, swallowing the lump in his throat-- X sleeps, an ocean of violence will crash down on him. He can't comprehend having to carry Valdis' life on top of his. The fabric of his life is woven with lies and bloodshed and isolation, and that is not a cloak that X should have upon his shoulders.
Too late.
"Judgement is not the real problem," Devin replies quietly, shaking his head. He closes his eyes for a moment, breathing deeply. It doesn't help much. "I am a secret that shouldn't exist," he elaborates distantly. X will learn eventually how much hinges upon the fact that Devin does exist, to his dread. "My life does not belong to me, and so no matter what you absorb, it will not and cannot belong to you, either." He can't help the faint tremble in his voice now, whether it be from anger or fear. What and who he is came at the cost of surrendering his soul; he's learned that was his choice. How that will affect X, Devin cannot begin to guess. "That knowledge or understanding, or whatever you call it and whatever it entails, is extraordinarily dangerous."
He raises his eyes, and something ancient and endless can be seen there for just a moment - or perhaps the agelessness is just a trick of the light. "This world is no refuge from my fate; I carry it with me wherever I go."
no subject
Despite his horror at what X will learn, Devin listens. Some part of him is desperate to not have to hide; he is built to be with people, no matter how much he denies it.
But X does not deserve to bear his burdens. If-- when, Devin reminds himself forcefully, swallowing the lump in his throat-- X sleeps, an ocean of violence will crash down on him. He can't comprehend having to carry Valdis' life on top of his. The fabric of his life is woven with lies and bloodshed and isolation, and that is not a cloak that X should have upon his shoulders.
Too late.
"Judgement is not the real problem," Devin replies quietly, shaking his head. He closes his eyes for a moment, breathing deeply. It doesn't help much. "I am a secret that shouldn't exist," he elaborates distantly. X will learn eventually how much hinges upon the fact that Devin does exist, to his dread. "My life does not belong to me, and so no matter what you absorb, it will not and cannot belong to you, either." He can't help the faint tremble in his voice now, whether it be from anger or fear. What and who he is came at the cost of surrendering his soul; he's learned that was his choice. How that will affect X, Devin cannot begin to guess. "That knowledge or understanding, or whatever you call it and whatever it entails, is extraordinarily dangerous."
He raises his eyes, and something ancient and endless can be seen there for just a moment - or perhaps the agelessness is just a trick of the light. "This world is no refuge from my fate; I carry it with me wherever I go."